fistyface:

Why I’m A Virgin…

First off, don’t get any wrong ideas from reading the title. I never made some holy pact to Jesus or the Jonas Brothers to save myself for marriage. I never once wore a chastity belt in hopes that my knight in shining armor would one day break the lock in one swooping thrust. And I definitely wasn’t concerned about what the other girls were saying about me the locker room. I was just too occupied.   

Ok I’ll admit it just wasn’t a time issue. There were other things as well like me wearing sweat pants to school everyday for an entire year. Or grasping onto JNCO shirts that were discarded by everyone else in fifth grade. These things were the first things that dispelled the first wave of opposite sex and after I could see that none of the pre-pubescent fish weren’t gonna bite I took to other activities. Mostly kickass stuff with my friends, like trying to get a boat we “found” behind a church to float in a creek we would later find out to be a raw sewage run off or playing Super Smash Bros non-stop till we all passed out into mini-comas. These activities distracted me from girls for the most part until high school. 

And I’ll never forget the first day of high school. The magical illusion of transformation over night with the aid of summer break. What was this wizardry? How had every girl I knew from middle school suddenly sprout a sturdy pair of B-Cups? This time the epidemic couldn’t be ignored but this go around was no different than before. It was like I had this force field made of Family Guy references, untreated dandruff, and man tits repelling any vagina it came in contact with. I was downtrodden and in my time of desperation I did what no man should ever do. 

I signed my soul over to the Porn Devil. Remember that scene in the Little Mermaid where Ariel gives up her voice to the sea cow witch in return for legs? That’s exactly how it went down. Except I was given the gift of the access to view any boob, vagina, dick, or any combination of the three at anytime. In return I was placed with the burden of bearing a neckbeard, discovering things in my fat rolls on occasion, and had the ability to socialize in person stripped from me.

Why I’ll Most Likely Stay That Way… 

Sadly I’m not a dynamic character in this wonderful narrative but instead one of the static variety. I still haven’t learned from the errors of my ways and I don’t think I ever will. I have yet to have the overwhelming feeling of needing someone rush over me. Or am I willing to put into the time of learning someone else’s like, dislikes, dreams, goals, and hobbies. Why snuggle up with you and watch The Notebook when I could be doing other things like trying to memorize the lyrics to REM’s “End of The World As We Know It”? Maybe one day the unrelenting loneliness will creep up on me one day and I can only hope there still Craigslist personals in the future. 

But for right now, it could be the end of the world as we know it and I’d feel fine knowing I’d die a virgin.